Friend or Foe by John Avant

Is there anything more painful than losing a friend?

I believe the worst pain I have dealt with in my life has been seeing those I considered friends either ghost me or occasionally even seem to become an enemy.

In some ways, it’s harder to deal with than the death of someone you love.  Normally people don’t choose to leave you by dying. But the loss of a close friendship feels intentional and devastating. 

A few years ago, after what felt like the loss of another close friend, I decided to spend some time evaluating friendship from a biblical perspective. 

I don’t think it is an exaggeration to say that it was life-changing for me! I realized that Jesus loved everyone, but did not treat all of His relationships in the same way.  

Jesus had a small number of core friends.  In fact, maybe just one. All his disciples deserted him at His death except for John. John referred to himself as the disciple that Jesus loved. (John 13:23)

However, it also appears that Jesus had what I call constant friends.  He called all of the twelve apostles His friends. And He had other friends, like Lazarus, who might not have been with Him all the time, but were always there for Him when He needed them. 

We also see Jesus relating to many people in friendly ways. People Jesus healed. People who provided Jesus help when He needed it such as a place for the Lord’s supper or a donkey to ride into Jerusalem. I would call these contextual friends. They were friendships that existed because of a specific context. They were never meant to be core relationships.  

Here was a somewhat mind-blowing realization I came to understand about my own friendships:

I have often tried to force contextual friends to become core friends!

At times I have tried to develop close friendships with people that I worked with without really finding out if that’s what they needed in their own lives. Sometimes they really did not need more deep friendships. And so when the work situation changed or one of us was no longer there, it seemed like the friendship just disappeared. But actually, it was never what I thought it was in the first place.

This realization has helped me tremendously.  

Honestly, no one has time for more than a few core friends. I have several and I count myself incredibly blessed. I also have many constant friends who I don’t see or talk to often, but we would be there for each other in a second if either of us needed the other. I need to cultivate these friendships more often!

This realization has also freed me to enjoy contextual friends without expecting so much of them. 

Friendship matters because we’re not meant to do life alone. We need friends and community just like Jesus did! 

Take time today to talk to the Lord about this.  Evaluate your friendships a little differently. Know that God understands your need for a friend. Reach out today to a constant friend you haven’t talked to recently.   

Choose to open your heart, even if you’ve been wounded in the past, and ask God daily for at least one core friend. He won’t leave you alone!

“…there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” ‭‭ Proverbs‬ ‭18‬:‭24‬